Jul 23, 2014


I actually worked out. BEFORE work! Please enjoy this "I woke up like dis" photo as proof. 

That's all. Carry on! 

Jul 16, 2014

Weigh-in: Starting Point

Good morning party people! I weighed in this morning and I didn't even hate it. The result was as I expected (and two pounds lower than what I weighed last week, so that's something).

Current weight: 232.8 lbs.

And just like that I have a (new) starting point. 

Jul 14, 2014

The Thing About Weight Loss

I know I've been rather inactive on the weight loss blogging front, but please know this: weight loss consumes my thoughts. The subject of weight loss is a constant in my life. Even if I'm not actively thinking about it, I'm thinking about it. You know what I mean? It's like an annoying fly in my ear, a constant buzzing. No matter where I go or what I do, the fly follows and makes itself known. 
When I'm putting on jeans in the morning, the fly says "Remember when you lost 40 lbs. and these jeans practically fell off you?" 

When I'm riding the metro to work, choosing to stand rather than sit, the fly says "Yeah, it's best that you don't try to squeeze your butt in next to someone. They'd probably hate that." 

When I'm working in the afternoon, my lunch long gone and my dinner still hours away, the fly says "You're hungry, sure. But you shouldn't be."

It's a constant and, sadly, I've gotten used to it. I'd love to throw my hands up and say "I'm happy with my body as it is. I love my thighs just the way they are. And that underarm jiggle? It's perfection! I'm Queen of the Universe! Everything is sparkles and sunshine!" But I can't. Because even if I did believe those things, that pesky fly would get right up in my ear space and say 
"PSSSSSSSSST! But what about your health?" 
The truth is no amount of loving my thighs is going to make me less susceptible to heart disease. And no amount of delight over my jiggle is going to remove the very real threat of weight-related cancers in my future. I need to lose weight. For my health, for my future, for the health of my (far in the) future babies. I love myself and I do love my body for what it is capable of, but it's capable of so much more. I am capable of so much more.

All of this is to say that I'm still here. I haven't given up. I can't give up. It's simply not an option. Though I've been in an apathetic mood lately (okay, for the last year...and a half), the tides are turning. I stepped on the scale recently and weighed in at a number that is dangerously close to what I weighed when I started this blog (well, when I started Frankly, Fatso which became this blog). 

My biggest fear when I started publicly blogging about my weight wasn't that I wouldn't lose any weight. It was that I'd lose weight and then gain it back. And that's happened. But you know what? It happens to everyone. Seriously! I read a lot of blogs, most of them revolving around weight loss and healthy living, and every single person that I follow has gained some, all, or more of their weight back. It's probably going to be something that happens for the rest of my life. But as long as I'm still trying and still focusing on being a healthier person, then I haven't failed. 

I'm going to start weighing in every other week again. I'm going to start discussing my workouts and my plans and my goals and my fears and my triumphs. I'm also going to tell that damn fly to quit being so fucking negative. 
I'm always starting over, which is both a difficult thing to do and a difficult thing to admit, but, considering the alternative, I'd say I'm still on the right path.

Jun 17, 2014

Another Interview with the Competition

Wehhhhh-he-he-hellllllll-luh, do I have a competition update for you, dear readers! Enjoy this little interview-via-text and all will be revealed.... mwahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Hello, Samantha. How's it going?

Hello, Jennifer. I'm tired and probably have a slight stench going on but I'm not worried cause everyone else in this room is smelling the same.

(Side note: Sam is at work. She works mostly outdoors. It's in the 90s here. Ok, carry on.)

That's charming... I'm great, you know whyyy?

Cause you just saved 10% on your car insurance...? Cause USA won yesterday...?

Nope. Becauuuuuuuse....... I WIN! I WIN! IWINIWINIWIN!!!!!!


Not the response I was expecting. What's your angle?

I admit defeat but I didn't cave to temptations...I would like to clarify that. No alcohol gets left behind. I was just following that golden rule!

And why don't you tell the readers exactly what happened. You know, when you crash landed in Loserville. 

Well, dear readers. I was in Dallas eating salad after salad after salad on top of salad, even though I was surrounded by the sights and smells of delicious-looking non-whole foods. Now, salads are not the best things to consume when a night of drinking is ahead of you. A few beers and two shots later I was feeling it... I'm not using my consumption of alcohol as an excuse, but a fellow coworker ordered a drink that she didn't like...a Washington apple. So instead of letting it go to waste, I finished it. Those two swallows cost me $200. 

It didn't cross my mind that I couldn't have it, and I didn't realize it until I was telling Jenny what I drank that evening and she immediately stopped me in my story-telling tracks and pointed that fact out... So that is how I lost the bet. 


You know where you can shove that BOOM, right?

Babe...not in front of the kids.

You barely have readers... Do you really think the few you have are kids?

Don't be such a sore loser. Besides, I have a billion readers. They adore me.

I'm not a sore loser cause in my mind, even though I'm $200 poorer, I know in my heart that I did not purposely consume something I wasn't suppose to...like a candy bar.

That's true. Good job. But you still lost. How's your diet now that the competition is over?

Besides the generic pudding I ate and the pizza and Rita's you wanted...it's been good. Except for the jelly on three sandwiches I consumed.

Thanks for pointing that out. I'd like to follow up with the fact that you ate more pizza than I did.

I did eat one more piece than you, but you did hork the cheese fries down...

Let's not get into details! When do I get my money? I have my eye on a pair of Ray-Bans...

Friday you get your money and Saturday I'll be asking to borrow some. 

Fat chance, darlin'. I'll be asking for a ride to the malllllll.

You can ask for a ride but it doesn't mean I have to take you. So perhaps you should tone down the rubbing in of the winning attitude you have going on. I have one word for you, sweetheart...METRO.

Eh. That's what online shopping is for. I WINNNNN!

And THAT'S the story of how I won the competition. After a brief reunion with bad foods that made me feel seriously ill this weekend, we're back on the whole foods, no sugar train. You know, trying to make it a normal thing. You know, as these things go. You know.

Jun 11, 2014

WIAW: Healthy as a Horse

Hello, bleaders and WIAW wanderers alike! I haven't linked up to WIAW in a long while but I thought it would be fun to participate today so I can brag about how healthy I am! #TEAMJENNY (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you can read this to catch up.)

Yesterday I awoke to the sound of my goddamned alarm clock and promptly set it for 30 minutes later. When I finally awoke, I slugged down some water with my meds (just allergy stuff, nothing exciting), got ready, and headed to work. 

Upon arriving at work I made this glorious bowl of blueberry oatmeal with cinnamon. I've been enjoying overnight oats with pumpkin (outside of October?! Scandalous, I know), but forgot to mix those up the night before so hot oats in my face it was. 

Stare into my oaty goodness.
Several hours later I ate again! This time I enjoyed a big blue plate of farmer's market lettuce (the purpley kind, what's that called?), seedless cucumbers because the seeds make me burp and cucumber burps are disgusting, green peppers, green onions, Amish goat cheese (I put that shit on everything), and roasted chicken. Tahini dressing on top.

I also had a peach which I did not take a picture of because by the time I remembered I was elbow deep in peach juice. Seriously, how does one eat a peach gracefully? I have yet to come up with a good, clean technique other than pussing out and eating it with a fork.

When I got home from work I had a brownie before my workout.

A BROWNIE?! you say. Yes, a brownie. A sweet potato-oat flour-date concoction that does not taste exactly like a brownie, but is close enough to make me want more. The idea was based off of this Deliciously Ella recipe

For dinner I had the same thing I had the previous two nights: an omelette. Since Sam is away for work, I'm living the bachelor(ette) life. It's so much easier to throw two eggs in a plan, add a little something (in this case goat cheese and fresh basil), and have dinner ready in two minutes than it is to make a full meal. I sauteed kale with olive oil and nutritional yeast on the side. 

And thaaaaat's it! So healthy right? It's amazing what I can stick to when I want to kick my wife's ass in a competition. ;)

Jun 8, 2014

An Interview with the Competition

Hello, friends and lovers! Can you believe we're a quarter of the way through the competition already? I thought it'd be nice to share how Sam's feeling after the first week since the blog is pretty one-sided. As in my side. The side you're all routing for. The winning side. Just to be clear. #teamJenny

This conversation has been edited to exclude moments where we told the dogs to shut up, but other than that it's verbatim. 


Hello, Samantha.

Hello, Jennifer.

Thank you for speaking with me today.

Did I have a choice in the matter?

Don’t be a dick. How do you feel the competition is going?

Well. Strong. I’m strong.

Good for you.

Let’s delete that.

Nope. That’s what you said. Did you just fart again?

That was my big toe.


Was that a fart?

That was a little one that squeaked out.

(More laughter.)

What do you miss the most, bad food-wise?


So you don’t feel drawn to sugar and candy and ice cream and cupcakes?

I’m sure once Aunt Flo comes knocking at the door I’ll be craving that stuff big time.

Why don’t you have some now? There’s ice cream in the freezer.

No, thanks.

You’ll like it.

I’m not a huge fan of vanilla ice cream.


Hi, blog world.


I was just saying hi. To the blog world.

I’m sure they say hi back. What is your favorite healthy food I've made so far?

Freekeh salad and the black bean baby kale stuff. I think mainly because it doesn't have to be reheated and stuff just isn't the same reheated.

Glad you liked it.

(After farting again) Dude, why am I so gassy?

It’s probably all the beans.

Probably. I better get it out of my system now before I’m trapped on an airplane.

That’s kind of you. How does your body feel after a whole week of healthy eating?

No different, honestly. I mean, we generally do eat healthy. Ask me that again in another two weeks.

Are you impressed by how fast my fingers fly across the keyboard?

No. You know how the sound of typing annoys me.

I forgot about that. How much weight do you think you've lost?

Three pounds, but I think I just drank it all back.

You also had 4 pieces of pizza.

It was good and I've been craving it.

So you are having bad food cravings?

Well, once you said you could make it challenge-acceptable I've been craving it.  Although I did miss the pepperoni.

Do you know what pepperoni’s made out of?


Do you believe in unicorns?

I know they do not exist, but I liked My Little Pony at one time. Didn't they have a unicorn? What was the show with the unicorn?

I don’t know. Are you done talking about unicorns?

I’m pretty sure there was a white one with a rainbow. I watched a show on Netflix about people who are obsessed with My Little Pony, they’re called-

Bronies. I know all about them. If you were a brony, what would your costume consist of?

Well, first I’d have to be a horse.

No, that’s not how it works. They’re humans who dress up as ponies.

Yeah, a hot pink one.

You're saying you’d want to be a hot pink pony?

I would want to own a hot pink pony costume, not BE a hot pink pony. It’s hard enough to get gay marriage legalized, let alone bestiality.

I’m not putting the word bestiality on my blog. I don’t need that kind of traffic.

Well, it’d get you more readers. Ba-dum-ching!

(Jenny gives Sam a look. You know...the look.)

What, you can put my farts in there but you won’t put in there about needing more readers?

(Sam farts again.) Damn it, I think it’s the beer!

You’re a pig. What’s-

(Sam burps.)

Wow, both ends.

Let’s get back on topic. What’s the first thing you’re going to eat after the competition is over?

The chocolate pudding that’s in the freezer.

So of all the things you can’t eat right now, the first thing you’d go for is generic chocolate pudding?


Okay. How are your workouts going?

Good. They’re going good. Except I didn't work out today.

Why didn't you work out today?

We were kinda busy. And then I lost all motivation.

Sorry to hear that. Do you want to continue watching OITNB now?

No, I need to pack and go to CVS and if I start watching that I’ll never get those things accomplished.

Dream killer.

Jun 5, 2014

Summer Goals

I don't like summer. There, I said it. Everyone's all "Woo, summer! Long days, hot sun, warm nights, short shorts, owww!" Meanwhile I'm behind them like:

Sadly, I have no source for this poor little face. I found it on Pinterest, where copyrights go to die.
I know I've said this before and you know I'll say it again, but summer in DC is HOT. And HUMID. So humid that on most days I step outside the apartment and feel like I have to chew my way to the metro.

I'm also very protective of my skin. As a blonde-haired, green-eyed, fair-skinned human, I have to slather on sunblock everywhere and all the time. Even in my hair part. And I hate it. I've spent money on the oil-free sheer stuff, but it stills leaves me feeling greasy and gross. I HATE IT SO MUCH. Sorry for yelling.

This year I'm determined to not hate life for the next 4 months. Summer is 1/3 of the year around these parts and that's too long to spend bitching and moaning. So I'm going to set some fun little goals for myself so I have something to focus on besides the loathsome weather.

Eat: lots of farmer's market finds. I really missed fresh produce this winter!

Drink: Fancy water. Lemon, limes, cucumber. All that classy shit.

Practice: Spanish! I get so mad when I think of how much I used to know (I have a Bachelor's degree!) compared to what I remember now (no mucho).

Master: salsa dancing. I took a semester of salsa dance while studying in Puerto Rico, but I haven't done it since. I bought a Groupon for drop in classes at a dance studio right down the street but I've been too chicken to go!

Learn: the art of macrame. It's all the rage and looks pretty complicated, but I know I can tie a bunch of knots with the best of them.

Try: a freakin' macaron. Ever since they became popular in 2013 I've wondered about the texture. I assume they're crunchy, but I've never come face to cookie with one. I even spent a Saturday in the city a while ago going from bakery to bakery looking for them. No dice!

Play: music. From a record player. Also, I want to buy a record player. And probably some records. I know it's totally hipster but I've always wanted one.

Finish: Wuthering Heights so I can start something new (I like it, I just haven't picked it up in a while).

Read: the Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, The Swan Thieves, and The Six Wives of Henry VIII, in that order.

Wear: dresses all summer long.

Cook: less and eat raw while I can. And then maybe grill some burgers.

Work: hard at slimming down.

Travel: as much as I can. I have no excuse now that I can fly around for free.

Want: to kick Sam's ass in the real food competition. #teamjenny

Remember: that summer is good for lots of daylight and fresh produce and trips to the Bay. It's not all bad.